They rarely listen, they’re full of their own problems and often imply that you’re not quite good enough. Anyone with a toxic parent will find these attributes frighteningly familiar. And while Christmas can be a time of great fun and conviviality, if you’re faced with a parent like this for three days on the trot it’s unlikely you’re looking forward to it. But what exactly is a toxic parent and how should anyone who has one handle them better?
Jasminka Letzas, an integrative clinical hypnotherapist who practises acceptance and commitment therapy, defines a toxic parent: “They are self-involved, dictate what they want, not taking the needs of other people – such as their children – into consideration.
“There is a lack of empathy, hardly any listening, and brushing over their children’s experiences. They tend to be narcissistic. Sometimes their responses may be due to miscommunication; they may feel they don’t understand the lives of their children.”
Saul Hillman, a psychotherapist, adds: “This is a parent who, at whatever age they are, still lacks the emotional maturity to teach and guide and does not embrace the child’s own authentic self. [The toxicity] can take many different forms including rage, controlling and manipulative behaviours, a grandiose sense of themselves as well as an absence of empathy and care.”
How to know if your parent is actually toxic
Hillman acknowledges that toxic has become a go-to word for younger people. “It has infiltrated our everyday culture, and unlike actual mental health or neurodivergent conditions that have clear diagnostic classifications, toxic is a subjective and blurred phenomenon.”
Laurie Castelli-Gair is a therapist who sees the same trend: “Don’t forget, it’s normal for there to be some tension at big family events.”
“If what we are talking about is genuinely toxic behaviour from a parent – abuse, bullying, physical or emotional – a person’s ability to feel secure is threatened. But we should be clear that it is different from being in a situation in which you have different views, and people argue with each other.”
Nobody is a perfect parent and many therapy clients seek help because of issues that arise out of their childhood. As Christmas memories are largely created in our young years, Christmas is a time when difficult emotions are more likely to be exacerbated than swept to one side.
Castelli-Gair says: “You’ve got the family together, usually inside, there’s no work, every phrase and gesture may trigger reminders of what you didn’t like about your childhood. Then you add in alcohol, which is a toxin for emotional health.” In other words, the Christmas period can be a minefield.
For these reasons, many therapists agree that the family get-together is definitely not the time for a serious conversation about your relationship issues with your parents. “Long-term issues are unlikely to be resolved at this point,” Letzas says. “I would encourage any client of mine to aim to get through the period unharmed, as best as possible.”
It’s often the case that even in the most benign family units, adult children and parents return to their old patterns when together at Christmas. As Letzas says, a parent may return to dominating behaviour, adult children may behave like the small, squabbling children they haven’t been for decades. “All of this can all be re-activated over Christmas.”
Should I spend Christmas with a toxic parent?
“If they are genuinely toxic I would avoid them. At their age, your parents won’t change, and if you add in the pressures of Christmas, why put yourself through it?” says Castelli-Gair.
Letzas sees it as the very last measure. “I would only advise that if the client felt all the family members were in a bad relationship. It would be a shame to distance themselves because of one member.”
How to prepare yourself
Hillman has had a number of clients who suffered with the behaviour of their parents. “Deciding not to see them is difficult, particularly as the parent gets older. In reality, it’s probably more about having a healthier relationship and ensuring you have enough space for yourself. “
Castelli-Gair’s advice is practical and focused on how the adult child can protect themselves:
- Remember your experiences and feelings matter
- Stop trying to please them
- Set healthy boundaries for any event and stick to them
- Limit the information you share
- Change yourself as you won’t be able to change them
- Don’t try to reason with them
- Find others in your life to support you
- How to cope over the Christmas period
- Use breathing exercises
- Take breaks away from the main action
- Go for a walk on your own
- Spend some down time alone in your room
- Journalling – write things down as they happen to help release tension
Castelli-Gair adds: “All of these steps allow you to step out of your limbic system and will help to put you into an observant state. They will help in any situation that builds anxiety.”
How therapy can help you recover from toxic parenting
Being raised by toxic parents can have profound and lasting effects on a person’s emotional and psychological wellbeing, says Hillman. “In the therapy room, I’ve seen the fall-out from such malign attachments. An individual may internalise and become anxious, depressed and detached. In other cases, they placate and become a parent to their own parent. It becomes all-consuming and eats into their life.
“Toxic parents blur the boundaries between their own lives and their child’s. You become an unhealthy extension of themselves rather than an individual with their own needs and wishes. They become overly involved in your personal affairs, make decisions for you and expect you to fulfil their emotional needs.”
Hillman explains that the critical point is when the child is grown up and seen its effect on themselves. “It is one of the most common threads that emerges in my consulting room and the material that spills in the room is intense and visceral, with the client often having put up with challenges for years, if not decades. I see the rage played out in the room.”
How managing your expectations can help
Castelli-Gair says it can help people to consider that their parents are trying to meet their own emotional needs. “They may feel guilt or disappointment with their lives so it can help to try to step into their shoes or show curiosity. Put aside your need to blame and confront, but keep clear boundaries too.
“Often parents are seeking attention; like everyone else, they want to be seen. If it’s possible, you might find some calm time with one of them. See if you can reframe your parent not as the aggressor but as a victim of their own life. Try not to have very high expectations, and move your emotions from anger and fear to curiosity. And try to stay in a non-defensive place.”
After all, nothing truly terrible can happen in three days.
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